im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Randomize
