So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
this beer tastes like vomit already
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
