I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
FUCK WHALES
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
