New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
