Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
Define "chronic" masturbator.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
