did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
