oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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