Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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