so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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