i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
