Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
