I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Randomize