I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
what is it with giant penises always finding me
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
