Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
