I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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