My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
