just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
