Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
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