dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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