so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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