I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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