The brown eye won't let me do that either.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
