I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
