omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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