I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Michael Bay diarrhea
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
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