Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Randomize
