I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
