So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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