cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
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