OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Is Oprah even human
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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