We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
