i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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