Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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