so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
