My sheets look like a crime scene.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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