Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
