this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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