My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Randomize
