You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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