Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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