I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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