It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
