afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
