remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
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