the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
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