I accidentally burped into my bong.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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