Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
