I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
