You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
