sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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