Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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