Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
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