so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
