So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
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