quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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