This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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