3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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