I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
