Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
