I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
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