Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
splinters make it hard to masturbate
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Randomize
