How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
