Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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