How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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