Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
