Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Randomize
