Cold hands, warm shart.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
