I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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