I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
It's official drugs can't kill me
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Found the puke drawer
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
