I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
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