i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
